How I lost my super-powers and got them back again - my cancer story

I've been working on writing out my entire cancer story to share with some bloggers I met recently who were interested.  I've been meaning to get it put together for some time and now here it is.  You've wondered, now, the truth behind Michael, his struggle as a young adult, cancer, and why Batman has inspired me to live boldly.  Enjoy!

My beginnings as a Super-Hero

I grew up reading comic books.  For years, much of my spare time was spent sifting through used books stores and comic shops to find the gems. I fell in love with those classic heroes - Superman, Green Lantern, Captain Marvel, the Justice League.  My all-time favourite was Batman - I loved Batman’s dark, cold-as-steel, tough-as-nails character.  Behind the mask, he was a man driven to fulfill his mission with unflinching integrity.  He always got the bad guy and he NEVER used a gun.  Having no super-powers to speak of, Batman always had to rely on his cunning intellect, his physical prowess and detective skills.  Although I loved the thought of having super-powers and dreamed of it myself as a boy, donning a mask like Batman was seemed very realistic.   But only those who believed would dare even try.   And I believed.

So one day, I decided 100% that I was going to be a super-hero.  It might take me sometime to train, it took Batman a few years, but I was committed!  Who knows, I might even develop some real super-powers while I was at it – I had a cool book on hypnotism and that was close enough for me.  I had my parents sign me up for gymnastics classes so I could learn to do flips (all heroes know how to do flips), I started to create an arsenal of cool weapons made mostly from duct tape and cardboard, and I got a sweet black cape that made me feel invisible in the dark.  I was a super-hero!

As I got older and started high-school, my interest in comic books started to dwindle.  I still loved all the heroes, but now I was more interested in music, sports and girls.  But not everything changed.  Deep down, I still had that yearning to develop my powers.  I knew I would discover them one day.  At 21 years old, I felt I had one power at least – I was pretty much invincible.  A lot of young people live like their invincible.  It’s like there’s no time for tomorrow, only for today.  You forget about any consequences to your actions, and it feels exhilarating to live consequence free, taking risks, focusing only on the moment, maximizing the fun in every situation.  That’s how I lived.  It feels pretty good to live like a super-hero.

Superman never had cancer, why me?  Were my super-powers failing me?

In September of 1998 I was starting my final semester of University in Waterloo, Ontario.  I had been studying at Wilfrid Laurier University for the past 3.5 years and was pretty excited at the thought of finishing my degree and moving onto better things, like getting a job.  When I think back to my university days, I almost don’t recognize myself.  I was so caught up in my little dramas and my super-inflated self-expectations – I HAD to have A’s in all my courses.  I HAD to keep a part-time job because the student loans were growing.  I HAD to find the perfect girlfriend, I HAD to be in with the cool crowd and go to the best parties….and many more self-imposed HAD TO’s.   And, I was a pro at beating myself up when I felt I had missed the mark.  I struggled a lot with myself and who I was in those days.  My indulgent student-lifestyle didn’t help either.

So, when I started not feeling very well, I told myself it was nothing and that I didn’t have time to dwell on it – it would probably pass.  Batman never got sick and if he did, he would probably ignore it anyway.  Soon, I hadn’t been feeling well for 3 months.  I’d have the flu for a week, then a cold the next.  I was always coughing.  I caved and went to the walk-in clinic.  The doctor told me that it was flu season and everyone was stressed with mid-terms approaching - get lots of sleep, drink lots of fluids.  Genius! I said to myself, as I’d already been doing those things.  A week later, I went to another clinic and was given the same advice.  So now I was annoyed at being sick for 3 months and decided to see my family doctor at the Christmas break, when I would go back to my parents’.

I saw Dr. M. on Dec 19th.  Being an excellent G.P., he did a full physical.  He’d noticed I’d lost weight and ran additional tests: blood, urine and a chest x-ray for my chronic coughing.  My mom and I were back in his office for the results in 2 weeks.  In fact, my mom was driving me back to school after the appointment.  Or so I thought.  Dr. M. told us he’d found something serious on the chest x-ray.  There was a large mass in the center of my chest, just above my heart.  The mass measured 12cm x 10cm x 8cm – it was huge!  More tests were requested.  He told me flatly that I wasn’t going back to school.  Wham! I accepted the news calmly but it stung…maybe somehow I knew something serious was going on with my health…maybe I was just in shock.

In the aftermath, I was furious.  I had 1 semester left until freedom!  I wouldn’t let anything stop me from finishing this frickin’ degree!  And move back in my parents?! Never!  I was miserable enough at school, moving back home would surely kill me!  And how many tests did I have to do anyway?  If this was soo urgent, why was I sitting around at home waiting?  I pushed everyone away – I didn’t want to talk about it.  I left the world for my Fortress of Solitude.

Preparing for a hero’s battle

Two months, two biopsies, a bone-marrow excision and a few fights with my folks had come and passed until they said it was cancer.  I was hard to diagnose, so I was told it was 98% likely to be Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Making matters worse, I found out that my liver had swollen to twice its normal size and that my spleen was also very enlarged.  I was tagged at stage 3b.  What had happened to my invincibility?  Were my super-powers failing me?

Chemo started in March soon after the official diagnosis, to my relief.  It was so frustrating sitting around waiting for test results, digging up info on the web.  With chemo, I felt like things were moving.  Then, right after my first chemo treatment, things took a turn for the worst.  The chemo knocked me down flat! My white blood cell count dropped to near 0, I developed a killer fever and my wisdom teeth became so infected I couldn’t chew any food.  For the first time, I was a bit scared.  After some injections of a drug called neupogen, I pulled through and recovered.  But chemo was delayed again a few weeks to allow my counts to increase.

I’m fighting for my life, but where are my superfriends?

Soon, a chemo routine started to develop - chemo every 2 weeks, a few days in bed to regain my strength right after, neupogen injections every day.  I couldn’t bear sitting around the house all day, so I started working for a family friend a few days every week.  The work greatly improved my sanity and I felt like a member of society again for a while.  

Most of my friends were distant.  They were still away at their respective universities wrapping up their degrees and we didn’t see each other too often.  It sucked being alone, but what could I do?  I would whisk myself away one weekend a month to see my girlfriend back in Waterloo.  We talked every night on the phone and her company was irreplaceable.  She was the only person I could confide in about what I was going through.

I learn about wisdom and discover new powers – nothing can stop me now!

One day, a family friend asked if I would attend a meditation group with her.  I knew nothing about meditation, but it sounded like it might help me get better, so I agreed.  A small group met weekly at a local church and Don, the group’s leader, had been meditating for over 25 years.  He had learned meditation in his 20’s and used it to promptly heal some serious health issues.  He taught us about the magic of silence, ancient breathing techniques to quiet the mind, how to use mantras to go deeper in meditation, and ayurvedic nutrition.  We meditated every week as a group.  We all started meditating for 5 minutes at time, but within a few weeks, we lasted up to 20 minutes.  We watched videos and listened to books on tape, always discussing the teachings and learning to integrate them into our lives.  I soon became enraptured with my weekly meditation classes – always leaving them feeling so peaceful and hopeful.  I started meditating daily, and reading everything I could find on healing.  There started to be a glimmer of pure joy in my life – my Wednesday night meditation class.  I don’t think I’d ever felt this kind of joy in any undertaking at that point in my life.

I was raised a Catholic, but never had a strong faith or practice.  I started to see that I wasn’t just learning about relaxation techniques or healing strategies – there was an underlying element I was totally unfamiliar with….spirituality.  I started to uncover a whole new part of me that I’d never encountered before.  

It was around the same time that I started to take control of my healing, putting myself in the driver’s seat.  Up until then, I followed all of the doctor’s rules.  But now, I started to trust my intuition about what was best for me and that meant breaking some rules.  I changed my diet, leaning toward vegetarian dishes, cutting out sugars and drinking only distilled water.  I started taking supplements and felt a tremendous improvement in my energy as a result.  I tried out ESSIAC, an herbal tea with known cancer-reversing qualities.  In meditation, I began to integrate powerful visualizations - I visualized bright-white blood cells swarming the tumour in my chest and dissolving it.  I saw it shrinking and shriveling, vanishing to nothingness.  I felt very hopeful I would get better and I felt like I was taking charge of my healing.

Our hero suffers a major blow and his ego takes the brunt of the fall

In August, after my last chemo treatment, I invited my whole family, (mom, dad, brother, sister, girlfriend and future sister-in-law) to my last oncology appointment.  I was high as a kite – chemo was done and I was going back to school in a week to finish my degree!  When the doctor came in, he asked if I wanted everyone to stay while he shared the latest scan results.  I said sure!  Ok, he said.  “The last cycle of chemo did not shrink the tumour as much as we had expected.  You’ll need 2 more cycles.”  I was totally speechless.  I was so embarrassed.  Here I’d invited everyone to a celebration, instead I felt like I got punched in the face….2 more rounds of chemo! I became depressed and angry for a full week.  Once again, I wasn’t going back to school.

The last 2 cycles of chemo passed quickly.  I wrapped up chemo in October and then opted for 4 weeks of radiation to begin in December.  I would finish all treatments before Christmas – a full year after my diagnosis.  Yay! My hair had started growing back and I was feeling stronger every day.  With excitement to regain my life, I returned to school in January of the new millennium and finally graduated in April 2000.  Regular checkups every 3 months showed that there was still a good-sized mass in my chest, but it was cancer-free.  Doctors said it would likely be there the rest of my life, but it shouldn’t cause problems.

After a long night of crime-fighting, it’s back to the batcave for margaritas!  And I reveal my True Identity.

My cancer battle was done.  I was healed but in truth the deeper healing would continue for years.  A transformation had occurred over those 12 months – I became a new person, my cocoon was opening.  Some things I had struggled with before – like being popular, perfect grades, loads of self-pressure – they seemed insignificant now and easy to handle.  I cleaned up my act.  I did a major purging of negativity in my life.  So-called “friends” I had struggled to stay popular with – I let them go.  I had just gone through hell, I refused to let people beat me down any more.  I spent more time with people I care about and who cared about me.  I continued to work hard at my studies, but I also relaxed.  My priorities had shifted majorly and it seemed silly to get all worked up about a mid-term grade like I used to.  I didn’t want to bring cancer back with too much stress.

I meditated everyday and still do today.  In the silence, I felt so peaceful and at home.  I carried that feeling around with me after meditating and it made every day so much easier to handle.  I changed my diet and explored ayurveda and cleansing.  I was much more self-aware, able to observe my negative patterns and beliefs clearly and gently work on them.  I let go of my self-centeredness and started to reach out to help people when I could – in random acts of generousity and compassion.  It filled me up to help others and to brighten someone’s day.  I enjoyed being me.  Those days were the rumblings that surged into a tidalwave of lightness and love that fuel who I am today.  I am very grateful for all that I’ve been through.  Having cancer was a most unexpected gift.

Becoming something more - removing fear from cancer…my dream.

Batman Begins is one of my favourite movies.  In the opening scenes, young Bruce Wayne witnesses the violent death of his parents eventually leading him to venture forth on a quest to find himself.  Though ridiculously rich, he travels the world as beggar, searching in each experience for his True Path.  Enduring brutal training to become a master warrior, he must face his own demons.  Surviving a near-death experience, he soon realizes his own power and his Path.  He returns to Gotham City and becomes the Batman.  It is not a mask to hide behind; it is a platform from which he can become a force for Good much bigger than Bruce Wayne alone could ever be.   

My own journey has been similar.  I have faced many of my demons, and have survived a life-threatening illness.  Today, at 32, I have been cancer free for eight years!  The mass in my chest I thought would be there for life has vanished.  I am stronger and healthier that I have even been in my entire life.

When I turned 30, I decided it was time to get clear about why I was on the planet and why I had to endure cancer.  In that year, I decided to use my experience to help others who were facing cancer.  But my work is only beginning.  I am committed to eradicating the fear in cancer and teaching others to be more in spite of their cancer.  For if we can step pass fear, something tremendous will happen; we will emerge as heroes.  As E.H. Chapin once wrote, “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

Namaste,

Michael