breaking up

My wife, her sister and I recently went to see Sex and the City - the movie.  I love going to the theatre, it's one of my favourite ways to spend the night out and my wife loved the TV show....  Ahh....the guilt! --- Ok, I admit it! I've seen it twice!  I actually saw Sex and the City a week earlier while out of town on a business trip.  I had nothing to do one evening other than sit in the hotel and stepped out to see Carrie and friends on the big screen.  Surprisingly, I wasn't the only dateless male in the theatre sitting by themselves.  Apparently I'm not the only guy following this show for the past 7 years!  Ladies, Sex and the City is not just for ladies - men like it too. 

Now, for those of you who have not yet seen Sex and the City - the movie, but intend to....WARNING do not read on for I may spoil some plot for you.   Stop reading, bookmark this page, go see the movie, and come back here to get caught up.  I'm not sure if it is out on DVD yet.  For those of you who HAVE seen the movie, read on! 

So everyone loves Samantha.  She's bold, bright, beautiful and she's a cancer survivor (sweet!).  In the movie, Samantha struggles in her relationships - her relationship with hunky Jerrod Smith and her relationship with herself.  These two struggles inevitably collide.  Living out in LA, far from her friends, she eventually finds herself lonely and unhappy in her life.  On a trip to NY to see the girls, she admits that she's been unhappy in her live-in relationship with Jerrod for over 6 months.  She's on the brink of a major relationship decision.  And then....she make a crucial comment - "But Smith stuck with me through cancer and chemo, how can I leave him?" 

Are these words you have uttered to yourself or a close friend?  Have you ever considered letting go of someone who played a major support role in your cancer?   Have you been through a post-cancer break-up?

Well, I have.  Four months before my diagnosis, I met a wonderful girl and we promptly started dating.  It turned out to be the first serious relationship I had ever been in.  And then cancer hit.  I moved back to my hometown of Sudbury, Ontario to undergo treatments while living near my folks.  I was really angry at having to leave my University life and put a lot of distance between me and my new sweetheart.  Regardless, we made the long-distance relationship work.  We got together on weekends when we could and it was a welcome getaway for me.  She supported me in a major way, always providing a ear and really listening.  I felt she was the only person in the world I could really confide in and share my feelings with.  I loved her for that and for being there.

After my treatments were done, I went back to school and we were together 99% of the time, celebrating new beginnings.  We were very happy to be together and we were very committed to each other.  But, eventually, things turned sour.  Over the next 2 years, we had lost that feeling of connectedness - after a while being together felt hard, arduous and a lot of work.  Something had shifted and didn't feel right anymore.  I felt like I was pushing a cart full wet carpets around.  Why should it feel so hard to be in a relationship with someone you love?

I stayed committed to making it work, telling myself - "she did an amazing thing...she held my hand through cancer.  I can certainly hold on and make this work!"  Another six months went by and things got worse.   We fought and argued and cried a lot.  But now, for me, being together started to feel like an obligation.  I just couldn't break free of the need to honour the time she cared for me through cancer.  Break-up?  How could I do that to her?  I felt I owed her everything.  How could I ever repay this debt?

In Sex in the City, Samantha returns to Los Angeles and confronts Smith.   She tells him she loves him, but also loves herself - and she needs to put that relationship first.  They split and she returns to New York, saddened at the loss, but without looking back.  Samantha's character is wonderfully scripted and there's a wonderful message in this break up.  In the end, Samantha recognizes that she needs to love herself and put herself first.  It's not a selfish act, but in breaking with Smith, she honours her dreams, her desires and what's best for her.  This was a difficult decision but the right choice.  She chooses to truly Love herself.  Samantha recognizes that without honouring herself first, she can't give all of herself in a relationship. 

But isn't that the snag of this post-cancer break up situation?  We get trapped in feeling obligated and honouring that other person's sacrifice.  But what about us?  Seeing someone through cancer or being a caregiver is a wonderful and rare gift to give.  It is a very selfless service.  But we can't let the past oblige us to love someone or to "make it work" when it simply doesn't.   We have to let go.

I eventually split with my girlfriend.  I remember the split as one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  She didn't see things the way I did and that didn't make it easier.  But now I recognize that by clinging to the relationship and what it once was, I wasn't honouring or loving myself.  I still honour the support she gave me, but I also honour my needs and my desires.  I think all cancer survivors have work to do on loving and honouring themselves. 

About 2 months after the break, I starting feeling like my True self again, and man was that a good feeling.   I felt free, the cart full of wet carpets were gone!  Two months later, I met another  girl around Christmas time.  Just over a year later, I asked her to marry me.   She said yes.   And I've been married to an amazing woman for 4 years.  Sometimes, releasing the shadows opens you to the Light.

Be Brilliant,

Michael