coping

I've been doing a lot of thinking about our expectations of reality recently.  Lately, I do most of my thinking at 2am, 4am, 6am, 7am and other strange hours of the day.  That's because Dylan, our 3-week-old baby boy with the voracious appetite needs to be fed every 2 hours.  (Yes! If you're a young adult cancer survivor, you CAN still have still children.)  But, I'm lucky this week - I'm traveling for the week to Edmonton where I'm moonlighting in my day-job, running training courses on project management software....so I get to sleep this week, all night, for the first time in 3 weeks!  My wife Juanita, God bless her, is trying hard to satisfy his needs and unfurl her new mothering skills.

We never thought having a baby would be without its bumpy roads and hard spots, we're not totally naive.  But somehow our expectations were still way off the mark.  Somehow, you end up convincing yourself that the hard part is the birth and that once the wee-one is out, it will be all tenders moments spotted with a few diaper changes here and there, until they go to University.  Well we couldn't have been more wrong - challenges with breastfeeding, recovering from the birth, running always in the haze of sleep deprivation....., and of course, the tender moments - somehow we thought it was be different or easier.  The truth is, our post-birth expectations were completely unrealistic.  And it took us 2 weeks to realize that fact and to Radically Accept our tricky circumstances for what they truly are.

Radical Acceptance is a tool and practice from psychology, but has its roots in Buddhism.  It is part of a therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) that is highly successful in treating patients with mental illness.  But it's a very relevant tool for young cancer survivors and the newly diagnosed.

Radical Acceptance is about letting go of expectations and tuning into What Is, right Now, just as it is.  It teach you to accept your situation, no matter how awful, difficult or painful.  To accept radically, let go of judging your situation, and move to acknowledging it.

Let me illustrate:

Here's what judging sounds like "Why did this happen to me?  How did I let myself fall into this?  This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me!"

Instead, here's acknowledging "This is really hard and painful for me, and I'm trying hard to work through it.  There's a lot I don't know about how best to handle this situation. "

See the difference?  A judging tone feels like we're in a tailspin of panic.  Acknowledging sounds calm, factual and more in control.  That's radical acceptance in action.

From a place of no expectations, where you acknowledge the situation and it's predicament, you suddenly find your self standing in a place where you can start to make choices about what to do about it.   You can start to channel your energy toward coping instead of panicking.

Here are a few ways to practice Radical Acceptance in your life.

1. Focus Michael-san, focus:  Don't lose yourself in distractions.  Come back to your situation, be it with for a while.  Take out a piece of paper and journal about it for 30 minutes - why it sucks, what you're feeling, what's coming up.  This practice gets your mental and emotional energy moving.  It might uncomfortable at first, but in reality, you're releasing some pent-up energy and that's good and can feel relieving.   
2. Avoid panicky mind-frick.  Throughout the day, repeat to yourself "I radically accept myself and my situation.  I see everything clearly."   Training your mind not to run-off into the dark fog of judgement will help keep you on track.
3. Release.  As you work on 1) and 2), notice your body.  Where is the tension?  Is it in your chest?  Your face?  Are you clenching your jaw?  Focus on each tense area - relax.  Tell yourself to relax.  Repeat to yourself "relax."  When we hold on to persistent ideas and beliefs that are uncomfortable, our body becomes uncomfortable.  Release the tension in the body and the mind starts to follow.
4. Go all the way.  Everything has a cause and your cancer has one too.  Accept that your cancer was caused by something.  Accept that you'll find out if and only if you need to.  Accept that you'll find out when you're ready to know.  This one is radical.  

They say the only way out of hell is to make peace with it.  Can you make peace with cancer?  Can you accept it and acknowledge it for what it is?

The wonderful poet Rumi scribbled these words on Radical Acceptance many, many moons ago.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Namaste,

Michael