Submitted by Michael on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 00:04.
Last post, I told you I would reveal the findings from my recent cancer survivor survey. There were quite a few questions on the survey about how cancer affected relationships. (PS: If you'd like to participate in the survey, you still can by clicking here.) For many of us who have had cancer, without a doubt, we know that cancer can rock your relationships. I wanted to understand if survivors lost any partners, friends, colleagues or other relationships as a result of going through cancer hell. Here's what I found.
Two-thirds of the wonderful people surveyed reported losing a relationship as a result of their illness. That's 68%. Meaning, that many people had at least one relationship that either moved into a "not speaking" holding pattern, or the connection simply faded away during their cancer experience.
For me, this result holds true in my experience and is important. When you're facing a life-threatening disease, how you are treated by your partner, friends and family is something you will remember for the rest of your life. I was only 22 when I was facing Hodgkin's. I remember a close friend of mine was in town visiting for the weekend. He spontaneously showed up on my doorstep one summer evening and insisted I come out to the local pub since he wanted to catch up. We hadn't seen each other for about a year and we hadn't spoken much either in that time, although we'd been very close friends since grade 5. I had been in chemo all day and going to the local pub was about as high on my list of possible ways to spend the evening as having a drink with Carrot-Top. The pub was crowded, loud and smoky, no place for a handsome hairless chemo-lad like myself. We talked for less than 5 minutes, but he couldn't stay, friends were waiting in the car. But he insisted I should really come out. I declined. Maybe he'd be back later that weekend.
When he left, I was really teed-off. I felt I deserved a bit more than an invite to the bar, considering we were close friends, hadn't talked in a year and I HAD CANCER! Where was the compassion? Where was the concern that I would get better? Where was the heart to stay and talk with your dying buddy? Screw the guys in the car! Screw the pub! He never came back later that weekend, and we haven't spoken since.
Now, I'm not out to slander the guy, nor is this post about boosting me up by justifying my emotions or stance on what happened. I understand our relationship much better now and I am not holding a grudge either. What was, was meant to be and it served me. The point is, having cancer completely changed our relationship. I couldn't be the person he expected me to be anymore. And he didn't know what I needed from him, because I had never needed anything in the past. The point is, this situation ends the same way for 68% of cancer survivors.
For young adults who faced cancer in their twenties, I'm betting this is a similar situation. I can't speak for the ladies, but would love to hear from you in the comments section. For guys in their twenties, most of us aren't emotionally mature enough to know how to handle a seriously emotionally charged situation like this one. Guys are interested in bonding, but that doesn't mean you're going to open up, be totally vulnerable and confess you're afraid of dying before you've ever had a serious girlfriend. Many of my guy friends didn't know how to talk to me about my cancer. Most of them asked how I was "doing", but were afraid to go below the surface and delve into how I really felt inside. And inside, I was dying to have someone ask me those questions, to really connect, to really understand the full gamut of my hopes and fears.
But there's another side. My experience is that cancer offers you an opportunity to take a critical look at some of your relationships, whether you want to or not. It's a chance to let go of some relationships, perhaps those relationships that are one-sided, that don't serve you anymore. It's like you're shedding your skin. It feels like hell while you're processing it, but it serves your highest good in the end.
I believe that everything is energy. I believe that you attract people and relationships through the energy you put out into the Universe. Having cancer forces you to re-evaluate almost all aspects of your life...and voila! Something miraculous happens! All of a sudden you're no longer living subconsciously anymore. You're living in the moment! And that forces you to emit a higher life energy in every moment. This higher energy attracts higher calibre people and relationships. Thus, the non-supportive relationships don't respond to the higher energy and eventually are released. It's a completely natural process.
Next post, I'll reveal to you yet another facet of cancer and relationships from my survey - why cancer also helped you create new relationships and meaning ones too.
Did any of your relationships fade away from your cancer? Did you have a falling out with a friend, colleague or family member? How did you feel about it? Have those feelings shifted over time? How did it serve you or not serve you? Share your stories with us below.
