young adults

Today's a great day because I just launched my Special Report - Cancer And Relationships : 4 Relationships Realities Young Adults with Cancer May Never See Coming. 

I analyzed the results of my 2-minute Cancer Survivor Survey and found some pretty interesting patterns which match my own experiences and the experiences of other survivors I've met. 

So what is this Special Report all about?

Well have you ever wondered?

What hurts more? Being injected with toxic chemotherapy or discovering that your best friend will no longer speak with you since you told her you have cancer?

Have you ever wondered? Why cancer brings you closer to some people in your life and, at the same time, drives a wedge between you and some of your closest friends and family members?

How is it that some of your closest friends and relatives, even your best friend or brother, pretend you don’t have cancer and act as though nothing is wrong?

Why is it that you meet some of the most wonderful, supportive people when you’re going through cancer hell?

Welcome to the Relationship Twilight Zone.

But what can you do when everyone around you starts bugging-out and acting all weird?  Read the Special Report to find out.

To your Health and Success,

Michael

I've been doing a lot of thinking about our expectations of reality recently.  Lately, I do most of my thinking at 2am, 4am, 6am, 7am and other strange hours of the day.  That's because Dylan, our 3-week-old baby boy with the voracious appetite needs to be fed every 2 hours.  (Yes! If you're a young adult cancer survivor, you CAN still have still children.)  But, I'm lucky this week - I'm traveling for the week to Edmonton where I'm moonlighting in my day-job, running training courses on project management software....so I get to sleep this week, all night, for the first time in 3 weeks!  My wife Juanita, God bless her, is trying hard to satisfy his needs and unfurl her new mothering skills.

We never thought having a baby would be without its bumpy roads and hard spots, we're not totally naive.  But somehow our expectations were still way off the mark.  Somehow, you end up convincing yourself that the hard part is the birth and that once the wee-one is out, it will be all tenders moments spotted with a few diaper changes here and there, until they go to University.  Well we couldn't have been more wrong - challenges with breastfeeding, recovering from the birth, running always in the haze of sleep deprivation....., and of course, the tender moments - somehow we thought it was be different or easier.  The truth is, our post-birth expectations were completely unrealistic.  And it took us 2 weeks to realize that fact and to Radically Accept our tricky circumstances for what they truly are.

Radical Acceptance is a tool and practice from psychology, but has its roots in Buddhism.  It is part of a therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) that is highly successful in treating patients with mental illness.  But it's a very relevant tool for young cancer survivors and the newly diagnosed.

Radical Acceptance is about letting go of expectations and tuning into What Is, right Now, just as it is.  It teach you to accept your situation, no matter how awful, difficult or painful.  To accept radically, let go of judging your situation, and move to acknowledging it.

Let me illustrate:

Here's what judging sounds like "Why did this happen to me?  How did I let myself fall into this?  This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me!"

Instead, here's acknowledging "This is really hard and painful for me, and I'm trying hard to work through it.  There's a lot I don't know about how best to handle this situation. "

See the difference?  A judging tone feels like we're in a tailspin of panic.  Acknowledging sounds calm, factual and more in control.  That's radical acceptance in action.

From a place of no expectations, where you acknowledge the situation and it's predicament, you suddenly find your self standing in a place where you can start to make choices about what to do about it.   You can start to channel your energy toward coping instead of panicking.

Here are a few ways to practice Radical Acceptance in your life.

1. Focus Michael-san, focus:  Don't lose yourself in distractions.  Come back to your situation, be it with for a while.  Take out a piece of paper and journal about it for 30 minutes - why it sucks, what you're feeling, what's coming up.  This practice gets your mental and emotional energy moving.  It might uncomfortable at first, but in reality, you're releasing some pent-up energy and that's good and can feel relieving.   
2. Avoid panicky mind-frick.  Throughout the day, repeat to yourself "I radically accept myself and my situation.  I see everything clearly."   Training your mind not to run-off into the dark fog of judgement will help keep you on track.
3. Release.  As you work on 1) and 2), notice your body.  Where is the tension?  Is it in your chest?  Your face?  Are you clenching your jaw?  Focus on each tense area - relax.  Tell yourself to relax.  Repeat to yourself "relax."  When we hold on to persistent ideas and beliefs that are uncomfortable, our body becomes uncomfortable.  Release the tension in the body and the mind starts to follow.
4. Go all the way.  Everything has a cause and your cancer has one too.  Accept that your cancer was caused by something.  Accept that you'll find out if and only if you need to.  Accept that you'll find out when you're ready to know.  This one is radical.  

They say the only way out of hell is to make peace with it.  Can you make peace with cancer?  Can you accept it and acknowledge it for what it is?

The wonderful poet Rumi scribbled these words on Radical Acceptance many, many moons ago.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Namaste,

Michael

My wife, her sister and I recently went to see Sex and the City - the movie.  I love going to the theatre, it's one of my favourite ways to spend the night out and my wife loved the TV show....  Ahh....the guilt! --- Ok, I admit it! I've seen it twice!  I actually saw Sex and the City a week earlier while out of town on a business trip.  I had nothing to do one evening other than sit in the hotel and stepped out to see Carrie and friends on the big screen.  Surprisingly, I wasn't the only dateless male in the theatre sitting by themselves.  Apparently I'm not the only guy following this show for the past 7 years!  Ladies, Sex and the City is not just for ladies - men like it too. 

Now, for those of you who have not yet seen Sex and the City - the movie, but intend to....WARNING do not read on for I may spoil some plot for you.   Stop reading, bookmark this page, go see the movie, and come back here to get caught up.  I'm not sure if it is out on DVD yet.  For those of you who HAVE seen the movie, read on! 

So everyone loves Samantha.  She's bold, bright, beautiful and she's a cancer survivor (sweet!).  In the movie, Samantha struggles in her relationships - her relationship with hunky Jerrod Smith and her relationship with herself.  These two struggles inevitably collide.  Living out in LA, far from her friends, she eventually finds herself lonely and unhappy in her life.  On a trip to NY to see the girls, she admits that she's been unhappy in her live-in relationship with Jerrod for over 6 months.  She's on the brink of a major relationship decision.  And then....she make a crucial comment - "But Smith stuck with me through cancer and chemo, how can I leave him?" 

Are these words you have uttered to yourself or a close friend?  Have you ever considered letting go of someone who played a major support role in your cancer?   Have you been through a post-cancer break-up?

Well, I have.  Four months before my diagnosis, I met a wonderful girl and we promptly started dating.  It turned out to be the first serious relationship I had ever been in.  And then cancer hit.  I moved back to my hometown of Sudbury, Ontario to undergo treatments while living near my folks.  I was really angry at having to leave my University life and put a lot of distance between me and my new sweetheart.  Regardless, we made the long-distance relationship work.  We got together on weekends when we could and it was a welcome getaway for me.  She supported me in a major way, always providing a ear and really listening.  I felt she was the only person in the world I could really confide in and share my feelings with.  I loved her for that and for being there.

After my treatments were done, I went back to school and we were together 99% of the time, celebrating new beginnings.  We were very happy to be together and we were very committed to each other.  But, eventually, things turned sour.  Over the next 2 years, we had lost that feeling of connectedness - after a while being together felt hard, arduous and a lot of work.  Something had shifted and didn't feel right anymore.  I felt like I was pushing a cart full wet carpets around.  Why should it feel so hard to be in a relationship with someone you love?

I stayed committed to making it work, telling myself - "she did an amazing thing...she held my hand through cancer.  I can certainly hold on and make this work!"  Another six months went by and things got worse.   We fought and argued and cried a lot.  But now, for me, being together started to feel like an obligation.  I just couldn't break free of the need to honour the time she cared for me through cancer.  Break-up?  How could I do that to her?  I felt I owed her everything.  How could I ever repay this debt?

In Sex in the City, Samantha returns to Los Angeles and confronts Smith.   She tells him she loves him, but also loves herself - and she needs to put that relationship first.  They split and she returns to New York, saddened at the loss, but without looking back.  Samantha's character is wonderfully scripted and there's a wonderful message in this break up.  In the end, Samantha recognizes that she needs to love herself and put herself first.  It's not a selfish act, but in breaking with Smith, she honours her dreams, her desires and what's best for her.  This was a difficult decision but the right choice.  She chooses to truly Love herself.  Samantha recognizes that without honouring herself first, she can't give all of herself in a relationship. 

But isn't that the snag of this post-cancer break up situation?  We get trapped in feeling obligated and honouring that other person's sacrifice.  But what about us?  Seeing someone through cancer or being a caregiver is a wonderful and rare gift to give.  It is a very selfless service.  But we can't let the past oblige us to love someone or to "make it work" when it simply doesn't.   We have to let go.

I eventually split with my girlfriend.  I remember the split as one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  She didn't see things the way I did and that didn't make it easier.  But now I recognize that by clinging to the relationship and what it once was, I wasn't honouring or loving myself.  I still honour the support she gave me, but I also honour my needs and my desires.  I think all cancer survivors have work to do on loving and honouring themselves. 

About 2 months after the break, I starting feeling like my True self again, and man was that a good feeling.   I felt free, the cart full of wet carpets were gone!  Two months later, I met another  girl around Christmas time.  Just over a year later, I asked her to marry me.   She said yes.   And I've been married to an amazing woman for 4 years.  Sometimes, releasing the shadows opens you to the Light.

Be Brilliant,

Michael

I have a belief that everything is Energy.  Every object in the Universe vibrates with energy, the forces we see in nature are energetic, even our thoughts are energy.  I believe that you emit energy into the world.  The energy you emit is a reflection of the quality of your thoughts, actions, beliefs, emotions and relationships.   Essentially, the energy you emit is a reflection of how you live your life.  It also plays a large role in who you attract into your life - ie: your relationships.

If you haven't read my last post about vanishing relationships, go check it out now.  It lays a foundation for what I'm explaining here today.

When you first found out you had cancer, your life probably felt like a rollercoaster.  I know mine did.  But that rollercoaster quality has some advantage - for a lot of survivors it forces you to take stock and cut the crap out of your life.   You stop living sub-consciously and you are forced to live in the moment.  There is so much coming at you all at once, you can't help it.  And living in the moment always results in higher energies in your life.  But what is this all about anyway? To the results! 

Here's another key finding from my 2-minute cancer survivor survey (thank you again, all of those groovy people who participated, I love you!).  I revealed last post that 68% of survivors who responded reported having lost at least one relationship as a result of their illness.  In contrast and an even more compelling finding is that 85% reported to having gained a new relationship as a result of their cancer.

Wow!  This a great result! It's uplifting and inspiring and not at all surprising.  For cancer patients, this is a time in your life when you're searching for answers about how to heal and get better.  The best resource for answers such as these is always other people.  You're also in the likely position of needing some help, and sometimes new people show up in your life to give you exactly what you need.

I used to go for chemo every other Tuesday.  It was a full day affair for me.  I'd arrive around 8am for blood work and often would be the last patient out of the chemo room at 4:30pm.  After a while you start going to the hospital so often that you recognize all of the faces, get to know the regulars and all of the nurses and doctors...at least I did.  I also met another Hodgkin's' patients who was taking the same chemo as me and our treatment schedules were the same also!  What luck!  I kept seeing her every other Tuesday and finally introduced myself.

Her name was Lilly and she was my parents' age, but age didn't matter - we got along terrifically.  We could really relate to what we were going through in our lives.  She was one of those people who were always smiling, she was playful  and had a great sense of humour.  I soon found out she was mischievous like me.  We wander around the hospital with our chemo bags on IV poles and go for a short stroll outside.  It turns out the nurses didn't really want you wandering  around while high doses of very potent drugs were attached to your arm.  I started to look forward to seeing her on Tuesdays and catching up.  It made chemo days seem a lot less lonely and a lot easier.  She was exactly what I needed and somehow I attracted her into my cancer life at exactly the right time.

You see, that's how it often happens with cancer.  You're searching for something or need help with something and wham-mo!  It shows up at exactly the right time.  Why?  Because you're living in the moment and emitting that higher energy!  Those higher energies help you attract new relationships, often people who bring out the best in you.  These are people who have shown up in your life to help you somehow.  Now I'm not naive enough to suggest this is everyone's experience.  Some people may have had a very different experience.  But there's something to these results!

It turns out for many survivors, cancer is far from being an isolating experience.   86% attracted new relationships as a result of having cancer - and those relationships are important to them otherwise they wouldn't mention them in the survey at all.   Having cancer is definitely confusion : some of your relationships will be vanishing, while at the same time, new ones are popping up! 

I want to know about the special people who showed up in your life during your cancer battle or who are showing up right now.  What have they done for you?  What makes them special?  Share your thoughts with us.

Namaste,

Michael

Last post, I told you I would reveal the findings from my recent cancer survivor survey.  There were quite a few questions on the survey about how cancer affected relationships. (PS: If you'd like to participate in the survey, you still can by clicking here.)  For many of us who have had cancer, without a doubt, we know that cancer can rock your relationships.  I wanted to understand if survivors lost any partners, friends, colleagues or other relationships as a result of going through cancer hell.   Here's what I found.

Two-thirds of the wonderful people surveyed reported losing a relationship as a result of their illness.  That's 68%.  Meaning, that many people had at least one relationship that either moved into a "not speaking" holding pattern, or the connection simply faded away during their cancer experience.  

For me, this result holds true in my experience and is important.  When you're facing a life-threatening disease, how you are treated by your partner, friends and family is something you will remember for the rest of your life.  I was only 22 when I was facing Hodgkin's.  I remember a close friend of mine was in town visiting for the weekend.  He spontaneously showed up on my doorstep one summer evening and insisted I come out to the local pub since he wanted to catch up.  We hadn't seen each other for about a year and we hadn't spoken much either in that time, although we'd been very close friends since grade 5.   I had been in chemo all day and going to the local pub was about as high on my list of possible ways to spend the evening as having a drink with Carrot-Top.   The pub was crowded, loud and smoky, no place for a handsome hairless chemo-lad like myself.   We talked for less than 5 minutes, but he couldn't stay, friends were waiting in the car.  But he insisted I should really come out.  I declined.  Maybe he'd be back later that weekend.

When he left, I was really teed-off.  I felt I deserved a bit more than an invite to the bar, considering we were close friends, hadn't talked in a year and I HAD CANCER!  Where was the compassion?  Where was the concern that I would get better?  Where was the heart to stay and talk with your dying buddy?   Screw the guys in the car! Screw the pub!  He never came back later that weekend, and we haven't spoken since.

Now, I'm not out to slander the guy, nor is this post about boosting me up by justifying my emotions or stance on what happened.  I understand our relationship much better now and I am not holding a grudge either.  What was, was meant to be and it served me.  The point is, having cancer completely changed our relationship.  I couldn't be the person he expected me to be anymore.  And he didn't know what I needed from him, because I had never needed anything in the past.  The point is, this situation ends the same way for 68% of cancer survivors.

For young adults who faced cancer in their twenties, I'm betting this is a similar situation.  I can't speak for the ladies, but would love to hear from you in the comments section.  For guys in their twenties, most of us aren't emotionally mature enough to know how to handle a seriously emotionally charged situation like this one.  Guys are interested in bonding, but that doesn't mean you're going to open up, be totally vulnerable and confess you're afraid of dying before you've ever had a serious girlfriend.  Many of my guy friends didn't know how to talk to me about my cancer.  Most of them asked how I was "doing", but were afraid to go below the surface and delve into how I really felt inside.  And inside, I was dying to have someone ask me those questions, to really connect, to really understand the full gamut of my hopes and fears.

But there's another side.  My experience is that cancer offers you an opportunity to take a critical look at some of your relationships, whether you want to or not.   It's a chance to let go of some relationships, perhaps those relationships that are one-sided, that don't serve you anymore.  It's like you're shedding your skin.  It feels like hell while you're processing it, but it serves your highest good in the end.  

I believe that everything is energy.  I believe that you attract people and relationships through the energy you put out into the Universe.   Having cancer forces you to re-evaluate almost all aspects of your life...and voila! Something miraculous happens!  All of a sudden you're no longer living subconsciously anymore.  You're living in the moment!  And that forces you to emit a higher life energy in every moment.  This higher energy attracts higher calibre people and relationships.  Thus, the non-supportive relationships don't respond to the higher energy and eventually are released.  It's a completely natural process. 

Next post, I'll reveal to you yet another facet of cancer and relationships from my survey - why cancer also helped you create new relationships and meaning ones too.

Did any of your relationships fade away from your cancer?  Did you have a falling out with a friend, colleague or family member?  How did you feel about it?  Have those feelings shifted over time?  How did it serve you or not serve you?  Share your stories with us below.